


Harry Potter: The Panto!

by Pendragon (Wolfthorn)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy Ghost, Crossdressing, Custard Pies, Humor, M/M, Musical References, Principal Girl, Screenplay/Script Format, Slapstick, pantomime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-19 21:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7378216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfthorn/pseuds/Pendragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter in pantomine form.  Cue bad jokes, silly songs, quotes and puns galore, and the obligatory custard pies.  The plot: Voldemort plans to take over the world, Draco crossdresses and Ron collects Happy Meal toys.  All together now, "Oh no he doesn't!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter: The Panto!

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this pantomime completely by accident. It was inspired by the song Bad Guys from Bugsy Malone; I randomly thought how appropriate it was for Draco, Crabbe and Goyle and it all spiralled from there! I'd been in a pantomime some years previously so used my knowledge of that to make it as traditional as possible. It was originally posted in December 2003 as the final day of the Malfoy Advent Calendar, although it doesn't actually fit in that series so I later made it a separate piece. I'm posting it now - even though it's July - so that all my work is in order. I couldn't wait until December!

**Act One**  
**Scene 1**  
_A forest. There is smoke and music as a mysterious hooded figure enters._

Mysterious hooded figure |  Oh, long have I travelled and far have I yet to go! I am footsore and hungry. It has been many days since I last ate and there's never a McDonald's around when you want one. I just wish I knew where I was. ( _Gets out A-Z and studies it._ ) I have to get to Hogsmeade immediately for Voldemort has returned and plans to use it as his base from where he will take over the world! Though not if I can help it, or my name's not... ( _Throws back his hood, cue fanfare._ ) Harry Potter! ( _Studies map again._ ) I think it's this way...  
---|---  
_Harry exits._  
  
**Scene 2**  
_Hogsmeade village. Ron and Hermione are playing Exploding Snap with some villagers._

Ron |  Snap!  
---|---  
All |  You win again!  
Hermione |  I swear your luck is unnatural, Ron.   
_She gets up and pulls off his cloak, several cards fall out of it._  
All |  ( _with a gasp_ ) Ron!  
Ron |  Oops.  
Hermione |  ( _with hands on hips_ ) Ron, really. Cheating?  
Ron |  I was just having a laugh, you know, I wasn't really cheating. I'm not a Slytherin!  
Villager 1 |  Talking of Slytherins, there's someone suspicious skulking in those bushes over there. ( _Points to bushes which are shaking in a rather strange manner._ )  
Hermione |  Come on, Ron, let's check it out. Wands at the ready! ( _waves wand at the bushes_ ) Autumnis!   
_The leaves fall off the bushes revealing a crouching figure behind them._  
Hermione & Ron |  Professor Snape!  
Snape |  Eh? What? ( _sees Hermione and Ron_ ) Oh, hello, I was looking for you.  
Ron |  In the bushes?  
Snape |  I didn't want anyone to see me.  
Hermione |  What are you doing here anyway?  
Snape |  I've come to warn you that You Know Who has returned and is here in the village!  
Villager 1 |  You Know Who?!  
Villager 2 |  Here in the village?!   
_They look at each other, scream and run offstage._  
Ron |  You Know Who? Here in the village?   
_He starts to run but Hermione grabs hold of his collar._  
Hermione |  Oh no, you don't.  
Ron |  How do we know he's telling the truth? And why's he telling us this anyway?  
Hermione |  Ron, he's on our side, you know that. Look, it says so here. ( _Gets out copy of Order of the Phoenix and shows Ron the relevant page._ )  
Ron |  Ohhh, so he's a spy for us!  
Hermione |  Exactly! Now, Professor Snape, you were saying something about You Know Who being here in the village?  
Snape |  Well, technically he's not _in_ the village -   
Ron |  See, I knew we couldn't trust him.  
Snape |  \- he's in the castle which is on the edge of the village.  
Hermione & Ron |  What castle?  
Snape |  ( _points offstage_ ) That castle.  
Hermione & Ron |  ( _looking offstage_ ) Oh, _that_ castle!  
Ron |  It's big!  
Hermione |  It's huge!  
Ron |  It's enormous!  
Hermione |  It wasn't there this morning.  
Snape |  Well what do you expect, it wasn't built by Barrett's now, was it?  
Ron |  There goes the neighbourhood. And Hogsmeade used to be such a nice place to live.  
Hermione |  It's all gone wrong since Harry went missing.  
Snape |  There's no news of him?  
Hermione |  None whatsoever. He could be dead for all we know.  
Snape |  Oh, I'm sure he's not.  
Hermione |  But he said he'd come back, no matter what!  
_Song - Hermione - No Matter What from Whistle Down the Wind_  
Hermione | No matter what they tell us  
No matter what they do  
No matter what they teach us  
What we believe is true  
No matter what they call us  
However they attack  
No matter where they take us  
We'll find our own way back  
I can't deny what I believe  
I can't be what I'm not  
I know I'll love forever  
I know, no matter what  
If only tears were laughter  
If only night was day  
If only prayers were answered  
Then we would hear God say  
No matter what they tell you  
No matter what they do  
No matter what they teach you  
What you believe is true  
And I will keep you safe and strong  
And sheltered from the storm  
No matter where it's barren  
A dream is being born  
No matter who they follow  
No matter where they lead  
No matter how they judge us  
I'll be everyone you need  
No matter if the sun don't shine  
Or if the skies are blue  
No matter what the end is  
My life began with you  
I can't deny what I believe  
I can't be what I'm not  
I know, I know  
I know this love's forever  
That's all that matters now  
No matter what  
  
**Scene 3**  
_In the throne room of the castle. The throne is at one side of the stage, Draco is sat on it staring into space. Crabbe and Goyle peer out of the flats at the back._

Crabbe |  There he is!  
---|---  
Goyle |  Hello Draco!  
Draco |  ( _jumps_ ) Do you mind? I'm on the throne!  
Crabbe |  What are you doing?  
Draco |  Nothing. I'm bored. There's nothing to do here. I almost miss having Gryffindors to annoy.  
Goyle |  I know! Let's play Voldemort and Lucius! You can be Voldemort and we'll be Lucius!  
Draco |  I know I'm going to regret asking this but it takes two of you to be my father?  
Crabbe |  Well, we do everything together!  
_Song - Crabbe & Goyle - Me And My Shadow_  
Crabbe |  Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall   
Goyle |  Like the seashore clings to the sea   
Crabbe |  Like you'll never get rid of your shadow   
Goyle |  You'll never get rid of me   
Both |  Let all the others fight and fuss  
Whatever happens, we've got us.   
Goyle |  Me and my shadow   
Crabbe |  We're closer than pages that stick in a book  
We're closer than ripples that play in a brook   
Goyle |  Strolling down the avenue   
Crabbe |  Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look  
Closer than a miser or the bloodhounds to Liza  
Me and my shadow   
Goyle |  We're closer than smog when it clings to L.A.  
We're closer than Bobby is to J.F.K.   
Both |  Not a soul can bust this team in two  
We stick together like glue   
Crabbe |  And when it's sleeping time   
Goyle |  That's when we rise   
Crabbe |  We start to swing   
Goyle |  Swing to the skies   
Crabbe |  Our clocks don't chime   
Goyle |  What a surprise   
Crabbe |  They ring-a-ding-ding!   
Both |  Happy New Year!   
Goyle |  Me and my shadow   
Crabbe |  And now to repeat what I said at the start  
They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart   
Both |  We're alone but far from blue  
Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar  
We'll make all the late spots, and then a few more  
We'll wind up at Jilly's right after Toot's Shore  
Life is gonna be we-wow-whee!  
For my shadow and me!   
Goyle |  Say Crabbe?   
Crabbe |  What is it, Goyle?   
Goyle |  Do me a favour?   
Crabbe |  What do you want now?   
Goyle |  Would you mind taking it, just one more time?   
Crabbe |  From the top?   
Goyle |  No! From the ending!   
Crabbe |  Wonderful!   
Both |  And while we are swinging, to mention a few  
We'll drop in at Danny's, The Little Club too  
But wind up at Jilly's, whatever we do  
Life is gonna be we-wow-whee!  
For my shadow and me!  
Goyle |  Crabbe?   
Crabbe |  Oh, forget it, Goyle.  
Goyle |  So, are we going to play?  
Draco |  Okay, I'll go out and come back in as Voldemort. ( _He leaves, then sticks his head back round from the wings._ ) What's my motivation here? Oh no, it's okay, I've got it, mean and evil, right.  
_He leaves again. Crabbe and Goyle pretend to be cleaning the throne. Draco comes back._  
Draco |  ( _in a funny voice_ ) Lord Voldemort appears, waits for audience applause, gets none. Strikes defiant Napoleon pose but trousers fall down and ruin effect.  
Crabbe & Goyle |  Lord Voldemort! ( _They prostrate themselves on the floor in front of Draco._ )  
Draco |  ( _sitting on throne, still using funny voice_ ) You may rise.  
Crabbe & Goyle |  What do you want to do tonight, my lovely - I mean, my Lord?  
Draco |  ( _in funny voice_ ) The same thing we do every night, Lucius, you silly boy, try and take over the world! ( _They all laugh hysterically._ )  
_There's a sudden clap of thunder, the lights dim and when they come back up, Voldemort is standing opposite them dressed in a black cloak that reaches the floor and a black Darth Vader style helmet. Crabbe and Goyle scream and cling to each other._  
Voldemort |  ( _says something but it's muffled by the helmet._ )  
Draco |  What?  
Voldemort |  ( _tries again but it's still muffled._ )  
Crabbe |  Eh?  
Voldemort |  ( _raises his voice so it's louder but still muffled._ )  
Goyle |  Come again?  
Voldemort |  ( _pulls helmet off_ ) You're in my chair! ( _He has a high pitched voice and a lisp similar to the funny voice Draco was putting on._ )  
Draco |  Oh right. Sorry. ( _Voldemort glares at him_ ) Oh, sorry, my Lord.  
_Voldemort starts to cross stage but he's on rollerblades and can't skate very well so he ends up clinging on to the flats at the back in an attempt to stay upright._  
Voldemort |  Lucius!  
_Lucius appears from the wings._  
Lucius |  You screamed, my Lord?  
Voldemort |  I want to get to my throne! ( _He stamps his foot, nearly falls flat on the floor. Lucius runs across to catch him and the boys snigger._ )  
Lucius |  Very well, my Lord. ( _He helps Voldemort across to his throne._ ) Will there be anything else?  
Voldemort |  Yes, take these boots off. They're broken. ( _Lucius does so._ )  
Lucius |  So, my Lord, what do you want to do tonight?  
Voldemort |  The same thing we do every night, Lucius, try and take over the world!  
_He stands dramatically but he's only short and Lucius towers over him. He stands on the throne instead. The boys laugh and Lucius chases them off stage._  
  
**Scene 4**  
_In Hogsmeade. Ron, Hermione and Snape are discussing Voldemort and the castle. Harry enters. He has the hood of his cloak over his head._

Harry |  Hogsmeade, at last! I'm so glad, I didn't think I could have walked another step. ( _Lifts up foot to show that the sole on his shoe is completely worn through._ )  
---|---  
Hermione |  ( _noticing him looking around_ ) Are you all right?  
Harry |  Yes, thanks. Wait a minute - Hermione?  
Hermione |  That's right. Who are you?  
Harry |  It's me, Harry.  
Hermione |  Harry?  
Harry |  ( _Throws back hood_ ) Harry Potter!   
_There's a fanfare, they both look around to see where it came from._  
Ron |  What's going on?  
Hermione |  It's Harry!  
Ron |  Harry?  
Harry |  Yes, it's me!  
Ron |  So it is! ( _Pause._ ) And you are?  
Harry |  Harry! ( _Ron looks blank._ ) Harry Potter!   
_There's another fanfare, they all look around to see where it came from._  
Snape |  Am I missing something?  
Ron |  It's Harry!  
Harry |  ( _quickly_ ) I think that's quite enough of that for now.  
Snape |  Indeed. Well, I really must get back to the castle before my absence is noticed.  
_Snape exits._  
Harry |  Castle?  
Hermione |  It's a long story.  
Ron |  You Know Who has built a castle and is right here in Hogsmeade!  
Hermione |  Apparently not that long.  
Harry |  Well, I'm starving, let's go get something to eat and you can tell me all about it. Don't suppose there's a McDonald's here?  
Ron |  McDonald's?  
Hermione |  In Hogsmeade?  
Ron |  It's just round the corner, next to Starbucks.  
Harry |  They get everywhere, don't they?  
_They start to exit._  
Hermione |  So where have you been all this time?  
Harry |  I was sent to a dreadful soulless place from which there was no escape.  
Ron |  Was it hell?  
Harry |  Close, it was Swindon.  
_They exit._  
  
**Scene 5**  
_In the castle. Crabbe, Goyle and Draco are taking it in turns to enchant a villager for Voldemort's amusement._

_There's a flash of light and a scream. The lights come up on Lucius and Voldemort._  
---  
Voldemort |  Make him dance!  
Draco |  Tarantallegra! ( _Villager dances madly, Voldemort claps in delight._ )  
Voldemort |  Make him sing!  
Crabbe |  Pavarottius! ( _Villager sings very badly, Voldemort claps his hands over his ears._ )  
Voldemort |  Make him stop!  
Crabbe |  Finite Incantatum!  
Villager |  You'll be sorry!  
Voldemort |  Sorry? Why would we be sorry? It's too much fun being bad.  
_Song - Draco, Crabbe & Goyle - Bad Guys from Bugsy Malone_ |   
| We could've been anything we wanted to be  
But don't it make your heart glad  
That we decided, a fact we take pride in  
We became the best at being bad  
We could've been anything we wanted to be  
With all the talent we had  
No doubt about it, we whine and we pout it  
We're the very best at being bad guys  
We're rotten to the core  
And my congratulations no one likes you any more  
Bad guys, we're the very worst  
Each of us contemptible, we're criticised and cursed  
We made the big time, malicious and mad  
We're the very best at being bad  
We could've been anything we wanted to be  
We took the easy way out  
With little training, we mastered complaining  
Manners seemed unnecessary  
We're so rude, it's almost scary  
We could've been anything that we wanted to be  
With all the talent we had  
With little practice, we made every black list  
We're the very best at being bad  
We're the very best at being bad  
We're the very best at being bad  
Villager |  You'll never get away with this now that Harry's back in Hogsmeade!  
Voldemort |  Ooh, I'm scared, I'm shaking in my boots! ( _Pause._ ) Who did you say?  
Villager |  Harry!  
Voldemort |  Harry?  
Villager |  Harry Potter!  
_There's a fanfare, they all look round to see where it came from._  
Voldemort |  Okay, now I really am scared.  
_Lucius runs on, Snape follows sedately behind._  
Lucius |  My Lord! I have news!  
Voldemort |  What is it?  
Lucius |  Harry Potter - ( _There's a fanfare, they all look round to see where it came from._ ) - erm, Potter has returned to Hogsmeade.  
Voldemort |  Yes, we know already. Where do you get your information, Lucuis, the Daily Mirror?  
Lucius |  Oh. News travels fast round here.  
Voldemort |  Harry P - The Boy Who Lived will try to scupper my plans to take over the world. He must be stopped!  
Draco |  Scupper your plans? Who talks like that? Honestly.  
Voldemort |  We need to get him out of the way.  
Snape |  ( _aside_ ) This doesn't sound good, I'd best go and warn Harry!  
_Snape exits._  
Lucius |  How do you suggest we capture him, my Lord?  
Draco |  Ask him very nicely to come to the castle and when he gets here jump on him and tie him up?  
Lucius |  Stupid boy!  
Voldemort |  Yes, get him to come to the castle!  
Lucius |  Clever boy!  
Draco |  Bagsy jumping on him and tying him up.  
Voldemort |  How to get him to come to the castle though?  
_They pace around the floor, thinking._  
Lucius |  We could invite him for tea!  
Voldemort |  Too easy.  
_They pace again._  
Lucius |  Challenge him to a duel?  
Voldemort |  Too boring.  
Lucius |  I know! We hold the world hostage by means of a laser located on the moon by which we can easily target important locations on Earth unless they give us Harry Potter!  
_There's a fanfare, they all look around to see where it came from._  
Voldemort |  Stop doing that!  
Draco |  Who'd come up with a plan like that?  
Voldemort |  Too complicated. And farfetched.  
Draco |  Look, all you need to do is make Potter think that there's someone here who needs his help. He won't be able to resist coming to rescue them.  
Voldemort |  Now that's a good plan!  
Draco |  Actually, make it a girl.  
Voldemort |  Even better! ( _Looks at Draco approvingly._ )  
Draco |  And a blonde! Men can't resist rescuing helpless blondes. Or so I've heard.  
Voldemort |  Perfect!  
_Lucius and Voldemort are now stood on either side of Draco._  
Draco |  But where to get a beautiful blonde to kidnap?  
Lucius |  Where indeed?  
_Draco looks from Lucius to Voldemort and back again._  
Draco |  Hey, wait a minute, you're not thinking of using me!  
Voldemort |  A beautiful blonde, you said it yourself.  
Draco |  Girl! A beautiful blonde girl! I'm not a girl.  
Lucius |  You're listed as the Principal Girl in the script.  
Draco |  What? Let me see that!  
_Lucius takes out a copy of the script and shows it to Draco._  
Draco |  I seriously need to have a word with my agent.  
Lucius |  It's panto! The Principal Boy is played by a girl who falls in love with a girl and the Dame is played by a man who falls in love with a man.   
Draco |  It's stupid.  
Lucius |  It's tradition.  
Draco |  It's worse than Shakespeare. I won't do it! Just give me a pair of leather trousers and I'll have him eating out of my hand in no time.  
Voldemort |  You don't have any choice! ( _Gets out wand. The lights dim, coloured lights flash, smoke drifts across the stage._ )  
| From slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails  
To sugar and spice and all things nice  
From slippery snake to pretty as a pearl  
Make this Slytherin into a girl!  
Draco |  Look at me! I'm not wearing this! _Song - Draco & Dressers - Rainbow High from Evita_  
Dressers |  Eyes, hair, mouth, figure  
Dress, voice, style, movement  
Hands, magic, rings, glamour  
Face, diamonds, excitement, image  
Draco |  I came from the people, they need to adore me  
So Christian Dior me from my head to my toes  
I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High  
They must have excitement, and so must I  
Dressers |  Eyes, hair, mouth, figure  
Dress, voice, style, image  
Draco |  I'm their product, it's vital you sell me  
So Machiavell me, make an Slytherin Rose  
I need to be thrilling, I want to be Rainbow High  
They need their escape, and so do I  
Dressers |  Eyes, hair, mouth, figure  
Dress, voice, style, movement  
Hands, magic, rings, glamour  
Face, diamonds, excitement, image  
Draco |  All my descamisados expect me to outshine the enemy  
I won't disappoint them  
I'm their saviour, that's what they call me  
So Lauren Bacall me, anything goes  
To make me fantastic, I have to be Rainbow High  
In magical colours  
You're not decorating a girl for a night on the town  
And I'm not a second-rate queen getting kicks with a crown  
Next stop will be Europe  
This Malfoy's gonna tour, dressed up, somewhere to go  
We'll put on a show  
Look out, Harry Potter  
Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me  
Just a little touch of  
Just a little touch of  
Draco Malfoy's brand of star quality  
  
**Scene 6**  
_Hogsmeade. Harry, Ron and Hermione enter carrying McDonald's Happy Meal boxes and drinks._

Ron |  It's not fair, I wanted Mufasa.  
---|---  
Hermione |  I'll swop you my Zasu for your Timon if you like.  
Ron |  ( _sulkily_ ) Okay.  
( _Snape appears in the bushes._ )  
Snape |  Psst!  
Ron |  A talking bush!  
Snape |  It is I, Professor Snape! Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.  
Harry |  Go on.  
Snape |  I have come to warn you, Harry, Voldemort knows you are here in the village and is making plans to get rid of you!  
_Ron sucks loudly at the last of his drink, drowning out Snape's words._  
Harry |  Could you say that only twice?  
Snape |  Voldemort knows that you are here and plans to get rid of you!  
_Ron sucks on his drink again._  
Harry |  Third time lucky?  
Hermione |  Ron! ( _She takes the drink off him._ )  
Ron |  Hey!  
Snape |  ( _through gritted teeth_ ) Voldemort knows you're here and wants you out!  
Ron & Hermione |  Oh no!  
Harry |  What is he going to do?  
Snape |  I don't know, I didn't stick round long enough to find out.  
Hermione |  You'd best be on your guard, Harry, trust no one!  
_Crabbe and Goyle enter wearing false moustaches._  
Crabbe & Goyle |  Hello fellow villagers!  
All |  Hello!  
Crabbe |  Have you heard the news?  
All |  No, what news?  
Goyle |  Volde - ( _Crabbe elbows him in the ribs_ ) - I mean, You Know Who has kidnapped a girl and he's holding her in the castle!  
Harry |  That's awful!  
Hermione |  That's too bad. ( _Shakes her head at Harry_ )  
Crabbe |  She's a beautiful blonde.  
Harry |  That's dreadful!  
Hermione |  That's a shame. ( _Shakes her head at Harry again_ )  
Goyle |  She's a Gryffindor.  
Hermione |  That's rather convenient.  
Ron |  She must be rescued! I mean, surely it can't hurt to go and check.  
Harry |  But how am I going to get into the castle?  
Crabbe |  There's a party tonight, you could always sneak in pretending to be guests.  
Ron |  Ooh, a party! I love a party!  
Hermione |  So we'll go to the party disguised as guests, excellent idea!  
Harry |  Thanks for all your help.  
Crabbe & Goyle |  Our pleasure! ( _They exit._ )  
Harry |  Well, they were rather well informed for strangers.  
Hermione |  We have a party to go to. We'd best go and get ready.  
Ron |  So we can party all night long!  
_Song - Harry, Ron, Hermione & Dancers - Rock Around the Clock_  
|  One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock,  
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock,  
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock,  
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.  
Put your glad rags on and join me, hon,  
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one,  
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.  
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.  
When the clock strikes two, three and four,  
If the band slows down we'll yell for more,  
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.  
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.  
When the chimes ring five, six and seven,  
We'll be right in seventh heaven.  
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.  
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.  
When it's eight, nine, ten, eleven too,  
I'll be goin' strong and so will you.  
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.  
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.  
When the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then,  
Start a rockin' round the clock again.  
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.  
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.  
  
**Act Two**  
**Scene 1**  
_In the castle. Preparations are being made for the party._

_Song - Crabbe, Goyle & Dancers - Come On Over To My Place_  
---  
| Little girl, you look so lonesome  
I see you all feeling blue  
Ain't no use in staying at home  
I know what you should do  
Come on over to my place  
Hey girl, we're having a party  
We'll be swinging, dancing and singing  
Baby, come on over tonight  
Now, you don't need the address to find out where we'll be  
Cause you can't help but hearing the music halfway down the street  
So baby, come on over to my place  
Come on, we're having a party  
We'll be swinging, dancing and singing  
Baby, come on over tonight  
When we get tired of dancing and things start getting slow  
That's the real best part of the evening, to turn the lights down low  
So baby, baby, come on over to my place  
Hey girl, we're having a party  
We'll be swinging, dancing and singing  
Baby, come on over tonight  
_Lucius enters._  
Lucius |  Oh, I do love a good party.  
Crabbe |  Look at us!  
Goyle |  Don't we look smart?  
Lucius |  Yes, yes, very nice. Now is everything ready?  
Crabbe |  Oh yes. We washed the windows, waxed the floor and polished the furniture.  
Goyle |  Or was that wax the windows, polish the floor and water the furniture?  
Lucius |  I'm surrounded by fools!  
_Voldemort enters, can't stop, glides straight across the stage to the other side where there's a huge crash._  
Lucius |  My Lord! Are you all right?  
_Voldemort staggers back on._  
Voldemort |  I think so.  
Lucius |  Perhaps the rollerskates were not such a good idea.  
Voldemort |  But I'm not wearing any.  
Crabbe |  We definitely polished the floor.  
_Lucius helps Voldemort to the throne at the back._  
Goyle |  The guests are starting to arrive!  
Voldemort |  Let the festivities commence!  
_Guests arrive, DJ is wheeled on, disco lights flash._  
DJ |  Let's party!  
_Dance - I'm Too Sexy._  
_People dance, Lucius joins in and manages to clear the dancefloor. Harry, Ron and Hermione sneak on at the end wearing false moustaches._  
Voldemort |  Ladies and Gentlemen! ( _No one can see him, they all look around to see who's speaking so he has to stand on the throne._ ) Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming, it's very nice to see you. ( _Polite applause_ ) The reason I invited you here is to introduce to you my special guest, the very lovely Draco - - nie!  
_Draco enters on the arm of Snape. It's very obviously Draco in a posh dress. Crabbe and Goyle take up position on either side of him._  
Harry |  That's one beautiful blonde.  
Ron |  Indeed.  
Hermione |  There's something strange about her.  
Harry & Ron |  Like what?  
Hermione |  I'm not so sure she's a Gryffindor.  
Voldemort |  I'm delighted to be able to announce that this afternoon I asked Draco - nie to be my bride and she accepted!  
Harry, Ron & Draco |  What?!  
Draco |  I never agreed to that! I'll never marry you! I'd rather marry... Harry Potter! ( _There's a fanfare, everyone looks around to see where it's coming from._ )  
Harry |  I think I'm in love.  
Ron |  Damnit, when will I get the girl?  
Harry |  We have to save her.  
Ron |  Yes, you go off and be the hero again.  
Hermione |  How are you going to do that? She's too well guarded for one thing.  
Voldemort |  In honour of my wedding tomorrow night, there will be a spell contest here in the castle grounds.  
Draco |  Oh, won't someone save me from this horror? ( _Crabbe and Goyle drag him off._ )  
Ron |  That's it! Harry, you can enter the contest!  
Hermione |  Well, I hardly think Harry's the best person to win a spell contest.  
Ron |  Okay, so you enter disguised as Harry.  
Harry |  Don't you think they'll be looking for me?  
Ron |  Good point. So Hermione will be disguised as you in disguise!  
_Lucius comes over._  
Lucius |  You look rather familiar, do I know you?  
Harry |  No.  
Hermione |  We're guests!  
Snape |  Is there a problem, Lucius?  
Lucius |  These guests, do they look familiar to you?  
Snape |  Don't you know who they are?  
Lucius |  Should I?  
Snape |  Should you?  
Lucius |  Well, yes, I should know who they are.  
Snape |  There you go then.  
_Lucius looks bemused and wanders off trying to figure it out._  
Harry |  Thanks Snape, let's go while we're safe!  
_Harry, Ron, Snape and Hermione exit._  
  
**Scene 2**  
_Hogsmeade. Harry and Ron wander on and stand talking to one side. Hermione and Snape follow them on and come to front of stage._

Hermione |  Thank you for saving us, it was a great trick you pulled on Lucius.  
---|---  
Snape |  Oh, it was nothing.  
Hermione |  You're so modest.  
Snape |  No, really, it was nothing. Lucius gets confused trying to put his shoes on the right feet.  
_Harry and Ron leave._  
Hermione |  I don't know what we'd have done without you.  
_Song - Hermione & Snape - To Sir With Love_  
| The time has come  
For closing books, and long last looks must end  
And as I leave  
I know that I am leaving my best friend  
A friend who taught me right from wrong  
And weak from strong  
That's a lot to learn  
What, what can I give you in return?  
If you wanted the moon  
I would try to make a start  
But I, would rather let me give my heart  
To sir, with love  
Those schoolgirl days  
Of telling tales and biting nails are gone, yeah  
But in my mind  
I know that they live on and on and on and on  
But how do you thank someone  
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?  
Well it's not easy  
But I'll try  
If you wanted the sky  
I would write across the sky in letters  
That would soar a thousand feet high  
To sir, with love  
Those awkward years have hurried by  
Why did they fly, fly away  
Why is it sir, children grow up to be people one day?  
What takes the place of climbing trees and dirty knees in the world outside?  
What, what is there that I can buy?  
If you wanted the world  
I'd surround it with a wall I'd scrawl  
These words with letters ten feet tall  
To you, with love.  
  
**Scene 3**  
_Castle grounds. Crabbe and Goyle are organising entrants for the spell contest. Lucius enters._

Lucius |  Now, I have a special job for you two. I want you to keep an eye out for Harry Po - for The Boy Who Lived. He's sure to be here, he can't resist a chance to show off.  
---|---  
Crabbe |  Yes sir, you can count on us, sir!  
Lucius |  Excellent.  
Goyle |  Who are we looking for?  
Crabbe |  The Boy Who Lived.  
Goyle |  Oh. Who?  
Crabbe |  You know, Harry Potter. ( _There's a fanfare, they look around to see where it came from._ )  
Lucius |  Don't do that! ( _He walks away._ )  
_Harry, Ron and Hermione arrive with false moustaches._  
Ron |  We want to enter the contest.  
Crabbe |  Name?  
Ron |  Erm, Brian.  
Goyle |  Both of you?  
Ron |  Yes, I'm Brian and so's my wife.  
Harry |  I want to enter the contest too.  
Crabbe |  Is your name Brian too?  
Harry |  Erm, no, I'm Spartacus.  
_They take a number and mingle with the crowd. Crabbe and Goyle go over to Lucius._  
Crabbe |  We can't find him.  
Lucius |  Who?  
Goyle |  The Boy Who Lived.  
Lucius |  You mean you were looking for Harry Po - for The Boy Who Lived?   
Crabbe |  Yes, sir.  
Lucius |  You expected him to just walk in?  
Goyle |  Yes, sir.  
Lucius |  It didn't occur to you that he might be in disguise? You just can't get the staff these days, honestly. If you had one more brain, you'd be a halfwit.  
Crabbe & Goyle |  Thanks!  
Lucius |  Now, mingle with the crowd and look for The Boy Who Lived. He'll be in disguise. If you see him, report back to me.  
Crabbe |  To you.  
Lucius |  To me.  
Goyle |  To you.  
Lucius |  To me.  
Crabbe |  To you.  
Lucius |  To me.  
Goyle |  To you.  
Lucius |  To me. Enough! Go!  
_There's a fanfare, Voldemort arrives. No one can see him so he has to stand on a box._  
Voldemort |  Thank you all for coming on such a special occasion, my marriage to the lovely Draco-nie.  
_There's polite applause, Draco appears on the arm of Snape and sits on the throne at the side of the stage._  
Harry |  There she is! Hermione, we'll sneak up close to her and you create a diversion. Then we'll grab her.  
Hermione |  Okay. ( _Harry and Ron sneak round the stage to Draco._ )  
Voldemort |  May the contest begin!  
Lucius |  Contestant number 1!  
_First contestant steps up._  
Contestant |  A spell to turn Gareth Gates into a singer! PopIdolus! ( _Casts spell into wings._ )  
Crowd |  Ooh! ( _Applause_ )  
Lucius |  Contestant number 2!  
_Second contestant steps up._  
Contestant |  A spell to turn water into wine! Miraculous! ( _Casts spell into wings._ )  
Crowd |  Ooh! ( _Applause_ )  
Lucius |  Contestant number 3!  
_Hermione steps up._  
Hermione |  A spell to turn trousers into jam! Izzardius! ( _Casts spell into wings._ )  
Crowd |  Ooh! ( _Applause_ )  
Lucius |  Well done, well done that man. Guards! Seize him! That man is none other than Harry Potter! ( _There's a fanfare, everyone looks to see where it came from._ )  
Crowd |  What?  
_Cue Benny Hill music. Hermione runs off stage into the auditorium chased by Lucius and Draco. Crabbe and Goyle chase after Draco. Ron and Harry chase after Crabbe and Goyle. Hermione runs round the auditorium. Crabbe and Goyle grab hold of Draco._  
Draco |  Get off! Unhand me! Stop right now!   
_Song - Everyone - Stop_  
|  Stop right now, thank you very much,  
I need somebody with the human touch,  
Hey you, always on the run,  
Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun.  
( _Everyone stops what they're doing, sings the chorus and then carries on as though nothing has happened. Draco runs away and is chased by Crabbe and Goyle, who are chased by Harry and Ron. Hermione turns round and chases after Lucius._ )  
Snape |  Desist this tomfoolery immediately!  
_Everyone stops. He has Voldemort at wandpoint._  
Voldemort |  Lucius!  
Lucius |  Oops.  
_Harry, Ron and Hermione hold Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle at wandpoint._  
Harry, Ron, Hermione & Snape |  Stupefy! ( _Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe & Goyle collapse._)  
Snape |  Take them to the dungeons!  
Crowd |  Hooray!  
Draco |  ( _looking around him_ ) Uh oh.  
Harry |  Draconie, you are free! I have rescued you!  
Draco |  I'm sorry, you are?  
Harry |  I am - ( _Takes off disguise_ ) Harry Potter! ( _Silence_ ) I said, I'm Harry Potter! ( _Silence_ )  
Draco |  My hero.  
Harry |  Draconie, you are so beautiful, from the moment I saw you I knew I had to make you mine. So... ( _Goes down on one knee_ ) Will you marry me?  
Draco |  Well, it beats jumping on you and tying you up.  
Crowd |  Hooray!  
Harry |  Uh oh!  
  
**Scene 4**  
_Dungeon. Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle are there._

Voldemort |  Well, this is another fine mess you've got me into.  
---|---  
Lucius |  Oh no, my Lord, it's really not that bad.  
Voldemort |  We're locked in a dungeon, The Boy Who Lived has returned to Hogsmeade and beaten us once again, and now he's going to marry my bride-to-be!  
Lucius |  He's what?! You're right, it is that bad.  
Voldemort |  Well, at least it can't get any worse.  
Crabbe |  That's right, keep your chin up and think positive!  
_Song - Lucius, Crabbe & Goyle - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life_  
| Some things in life are bad,  
They can really make you mad,  
Other things just make you swear and curse,  
When you're chewing life's gristle,  
Don't grumble,  
Give a whistle  
And this'll help things turn out for the best.  
And...  
Always look on the bright side of life.  
Always look on the light side of life.  
If life seems jolly rotten,  
There's something you've forgotten,  
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.  
When you're feeling in the dumps,  
Don't be silly chumps.  
Just purse your lips and whistle.  
That's the thing.  
And...  
Always look on the bright side of life.  
Always look on the right side of life,  
For life is quite absurd  
And death's the final word.  
You must always face the curtain with a bow.  
Forget about your sin.  
Give the audience a grin.  
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.  
So...  
Always look on the bright side of death,  
Just before you draw your terminal breath.  
Life's a piece of ( _Lucius puts his hand over singer's mouth to hide the word 'shit'_ )  
When you look at it.  
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.  
You'll see it's all a show.  
Keep 'em laughing as you go.  
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.  
And...  
Always look on the bright side of life.  
Always look on the right side of life.  
Voldemort |  I don't know whether or not it was your singing, but I feel worse than ever. It's spooky down here.  
Lucius |  It's supposed to be spooky, it's a dungeon.  
Goyle |  You don't suppose there's a ghost, do you?  
Lucius |  Oh for goodness sake, there's no ghost here, there's no such thing as ghosts.  
Crabbe |  Oh yes, there is.  
Lucius |  Oh no, there isn't.  
Goyle |  I know, let's sing some more to cheer ourselves up.  
_They sing the chorus again, a ghost comes on and stands next to Lucius. Lucius doesn't do anything so the ghost hits him with a custard pie. They run offstage in opposite directions._  
Crabbe |  Lucius, you didn't join in! Lucius?  
Voldemort |  Do you think the ghost got him?  
Goyle |  I don't see any ghost. ( _Ghost comes on stage again_ ) Let's sing some more.  
_They sing the chorus again, the ghost follows Goyle, pies him and they run offstage._  
Crabbe |  Are you feeling better now, Goyle? Goyle? Come out, Goyle!  
Voldemort |  It's the ghost.  
Crabbe |  Oh no, it isn't.  
Voldemort |  Oh yes, it is.  
_The ghost comes up, pies Crabbe and they run offstage._  
Voldemort |  Where'd everyone go? I wish I knew where the ghost was. ( _Ghost comes back on_ ). I'm all on my own. I don't like being on my own. It's scary. ( _Ghost sneaks on behind Voldemort, ends up chasing him round the stage before pieing him and they run offstage._ )  
  
**Scene 5**  
_Hogsmeade. Some villagers are looking around for any sign of the wedding. Ron and a priest keep checking their watches and looking around._

Ron |  I can't believe it, Harry's getting married.  
---|---  
_Snape enters with Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle in chains._  
Ron |  Where's Harry?  
_Harry runs onstage._  
Harry |  I'm here! Where's my lovely bride?  
_Draco and Hermione come on dressed as bride and bridesmaid._  
Draco |  Are you sure my bum doesn't look big in this?  
Harry |  You look wonderful.  
Priest |  We are gathered here today to join Harry and Draconie in holy matrimony. If anyone knows of any reason why they should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.  
_Door bangs open in auditorium._  
Dumbledore |  Stop! ( _Gets up onstage._ )  
Voldemort |  Oh, who invited him?  
Dumbledore |  Harry, there is something you must know.  
Draco |  Uh oh.  
_Dumbledore points his wand at Draco._  
Dumbledore |  From sugar and spice and all things nice  
To slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails  
Bathed in the colours of silver and green  
Let the identity of this girl now be seen!  
_There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke and Draco is revealed._  
Hermione |  Malfoy!  
Draco |  Granger.  
Ron |  Malfoy!  
Draco |  Weasel.  
Harry |  Draconie?  
Priest |  Does this mean the wedding's off?  
Hermione & Ron |  Yes!  
Harry |  No!  
Hermione & Ron |  No?  
Harry |  Wait! Voldemort was going to marry him, right?  
Hermione and Ron |  Right.  
Harry |  And there's supposed to be a happy ending, right?  
Hermione and Ron |  Right.  
Harry |  So I'll marry him.  
_They all look at Draco._  
Draco |  Well, I'm not doing anything later. Besides, it's in the script.  
Dumbledore |  Please continue.  
Priest |  Do you?  
Harry |  I do.  
Priest |  Do you?  
Draco |  I do.  
_All cheer and throw confetti._  
_Song - Harry & Draco - They Can't Take That Away From Me_  
Harry |  The way you wear your hat  
The way you sip your tea  
The memory of all that  
No, no, they can't take that away from me  
Draco |  The way your smile just beams  
The way you sing off key  
Harry |  I ain't flat, the band's sharp  
Draco |  The way you haunt my dreams  
Oh, no, they can't take that away from me  
Harry |  We may never, never meet again, on this bumpy road to love  
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of  
The way you hold your knife  
Draco |  The way we danced till three  
Both |  The way you changed my life  
Oh no, they can't take that away from me  
No, no, they can't take that away from me  
Draco |  Not without a lawyer anyway  
We may never, never meet again, on this bumpy road to love  
Harry |  Still I'll always, always keep the memory of  
The way you hold your knife  
Draco |  The way we danced till three  
Both |  The way you changed my life  
Oh no, they can't take that away from me  
No, they can't take that away from me  
No, they won't take that away from me.  
  
**_The End_ **

**Author's Note:**

>  **Song Credits:**  
>  No Matter What (from Whistle Down the Wind) - Jim Steinman/Andrew Lloyd Webber  
> Me And My Shadow - Al Jolson/Billy Rose/Dave Dreyer  
> Bad Guys (from Bugsy Malone) - Paul Williams  
> Rainbow High (from Evita) - Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber  
> Rock Around The Clock - Max C. Freedman/James E. Myers  
> Come On Over To My Place - Barry Mann/Cynthia Weil  
> To Sir With Love - Don Black/Mark London  
> Stop - Spice Girls/Andy Watkins/Paul Wilson  
> Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - Eric Idle  
> They Can't Take That Away From Me - George Gershwin/Ira Gershwin
> 
>    
>  **References**
> 
> "Lord Voldemort appears, waits for audience applause, not a sausage." - **The Goon Show**
> 
> "Strikes defiant Napoleon pose but trousers fall down and ruin effect." - **The Goon Show**
> 
> "What do you want to do tonight, my lovely, I mean, my Lord?"  
> "The same thing we do every night, Lucius you silly boy, try and take over the world!" - **Pinky and the Brain**
> 
> "Well, they were rather well informed for strangers." - **Wayne's World**
> 
> "Yes, I'm Brian and so's my wife." - **Monty Python's Life of Brian**
> 
> "Erm, no, I'm Spartacus." - **Spartacus**
> 
> "If you had one more brain, you'd be a halfwit." - **Chicago**
> 
> "To me."  
> "To you!" - **The Chuckle Brothers**
> 
> "Well, this is another fine mess you've got me into." - **Laurel & Hardy**
> 
> "Malfoy!"  
> "Granger."  
> "Malfoy!"  
> "Weasel."  
> "Draconie?" - **The Rocky Horror Picture Show**


End file.
